Happy New Year.

As the new year approaches I am challenged to think back on my year. And three of my friends out there on the net have written interesting reflections.

One called his "Things I Do Not Need"
Another entitle hers "Things I Can Not Change"
But my favorite so far is "Stupid Things I've Done"

My year, and my thoughts on the new one, encompass all three.

I don't need the pain of this year to carry with me in to the new one. I don't need the judgment. I don't need the angst. I don't need other people to make me feel special, desirable, intelligent or valued (well, hopefully I won't, Im still working on it).

I can not change the way people choose to see me. I can't change their reactions to me. I can't change that for the first time in my life that I don't want to change. I can't change what I believe, what I love and what I dislike.

Stupid things I"ve done.... The list could go on and on and on. Tattoo on the forearm (Aunty Sarai what's that pictue on your arm? Uh, maybe you should talk to your mum about that honey...); The many suicide attempts - in hindsight very stupid, and the time they seemed like the only option - turns out I could get well go figure; Moving to Devonport - I know it's only an hour and a half away but it seems so much further than that. And all my friends and family are all away over there and I'm here and no one can ever be bothered to come and see me. That's not true. My sister and her boyfriend (that's still weird because in my head he's still one of my best friends) are coming up to see me and they've both been up a couple of times and Cassie's been up... But it's still freaking lonely!!

I guess what I want this year is to live out my God-ordained purpose. I want to be so far into my sweet spot that I know I'm doing the right thing. I want to realise that God thinks I"m beautiful and special and valuable and amazing and captivating and not worry that my father lacks the ability to recognise these qualities in me, and that no one else really cares that much either. I want it not to matter.

2008 can't be any harder than 2007 is my logic, and so I'm going to embrace it with a ferocity usually reserved for a lioness protecting her cubs. I am going to attack life with everything I have because it's the only thing that you can attack that you get out what you put in. This year, I'm going to love life. And I encourage you to do the same.

Happy New Year.